Personal/Ideals
Warning: Read at your own risk. Contains psychological elements. A new nightmare surfaced. Again, these weird dreams often came to me when I slept in my grandfather's room(he'd passed away 5 years ago) or on the sofa in the living room. This morning I slept on the sofa. And this so-called nightmare landed a great impact in my thoughts. It touches on relationship especially friendship and attachments. You can read on for leisure or believe me I had it in my brain after waking up. Start; our country is facing a problem. A population control problem. So, the government implemented this ruling or system to lower down the number of people. It's not like the China's one child per family ruling. It's the perishing of a number of people currently living. It's some sort of National Service selection process. If you are "lucky" you got shortlisted to, well end your life and help mankind. Absurd. I was weeping and holding back all my tears in my dream(for all I can remember) because a few of my friends are named and going to be put to sleep in the death sentence execution process where the person is given a lethal injection.
Ah, I can't contained the deep agony I felt in my heart at that moment when I see everybody congregating into the building to see their loved ones given free legal ticket to heaven. The feeling of going to have your best friends dying so soon, that's just way too hard for a teenager like me and what more, they are your friends who you just knew not more than 10 years and have bonded as good acquaintances and activity partners. Yes, the people in my dream do exist in this reality so imagine them being sent off now for that reason. My real close friends. I was very upset on how could the world be so cruel sending us teenagers to death to regulate the margin of our country's population. You see, I have this principle in me which is strongly against taking away others' lives because we have no right to do that even if vengeance takes place unto us(I am believer to Gandhi's words, "An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind"). So what to do if we have no power and we couldn't stand up strong. We watch and cry.
My point here is, when I am face-to-face to that situation the whole world seems to suddenly lose its foundation and everything falls onto your heart, heavy and asphyxiating. I have this very awful emotion in the dream. But I told myself soon let's face it with tough cardiac and facial mucle tissues, it's gonna happen anyway. A fate. A mere significant heart-filled coercing of life's flow. Then, I went to visit one of my friends(I don't have to name them-what a touchwood tragedy). He's on the bed beside is a screen showing the process of injection progress and his pulse rate. Hearts start to sank as the heartbeat rate starts to retard. Our last conversation. It's not like in the movies(because I don't have much emotion while watching). Of course I could dream of feeling like this because I've had experience watching my grandfather going up the stairway to heaven, watching family members being sad for the deceased and, collecting all my fishes which succumbed to death. And I can't remember if I have seen him the moment he stopped breathing. My heart at that moment is beyond recognition.. the inner point I am going to write about is attachment. It's very hard to let go, of anything. Like, a friend suddenly dies and you haven't got the chance to talk to him/her or tell him/her you have a heart for him/her or at least but really last, a goodbye. Even in normal circumstance when a friend didn't die and I didn't get to tell him/her goodbye I'd have already felt sad. There's another scene where I called a girl(friend) to tell her I wanna meet her and say goodbye but I was interrupted by my gang(I'm somewhat a bad-ass gangster member) as I am ordered to wreck havoc in one of the wards where the girl I wanted to meet is at. And then I woke up. Everything was just a dream. Glad.
So cherish your life as Elvis Stojko quoted as saying, "The past is history, the future is a mystery but today is a gift, that's why they call it the present so cherish every minute of it". You don't have to go confessing to all girls that you liked them before it's too late, I mean that's weird and dumb but just appreciate their presence in your life which makes you happy so you don't regret if anything out of the questions happen. And I just read this story article written by a survivor of the Khmer Rouge terrorism in this year's Reader's Digest June issue. Sokreaksa S. Himm wrote, "All I wished for at that moment was to tell my mother how much I loved her. I wished I we had been able to say goodbye. At the same time, my heart burned with rage." That was when he was witnessing his mother being clubbed to death by the Khmer Rouge agents. Just for your information, he met and forgave the murderers 25 years after he escaped from his village. So, that's the intense funereal emotion.
That's it, plenty of digression and fully "grandfather story"(muaha u know who u r who described my posts with) equipped lines. Stressful flow of life it is we're living in...
[Song title thievery from The World Is Black by Good Charlotte]
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