4. Melancholy Call of Distress

Personal

My suggestion is that you keep yourself distant cos' right now I'm dangerous(excerpt from Limp Bizkit - Break Stuff). True enough, it's even disturbing to myself. So rather you waste time reading this personal mental torture you should caress time reading a melancholic confession written by my friend or the invisible agnostic truth by another friend.

This is getting uglier. This dream is so vague. My hopes are all falsely created. And I'm doing things to hurt myself more and more. I thought I could live with and through it with pride and sanity. Instead, I drive myself insane now. I hurt myself to hide my own disenchanted misery. I know no love except for my family and the love for friendship, I think love is still only just a word to me but I am just like you and everyone else so called humans with feelings and maybe emotion and the sensory receptors for pain. So again I am unable to express it out I use people's lyrics to convey my despair. Thank you musicians. I welcome the lyrics from Guns N' Roses, The Who, Limp Bizkit, and Avenged Sevenfold. The white colour highlighted words are words I feel have no connection and meaning to what I intend to express. Enjoy, while I try to enlighten myself. I just need a little time, this kind of depression just needs EST(extra sleeping time). ya noe, this is part of a story of a man who works as hard as he can just to be a man that stands in his own but the book always burn as the story takes its turn and leaves a broken man.

No one knows what it's like
To be the bad man
To be the sad man
Behind blue eyes

No one knows what it's like
To be hated
To be fated
To telling only lies

But my dreams
They aren't as empty
As my conscience seems to be
I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance
That's never free

No one knows what it's like
To feel these feelings
Like I do
And I blame you
No one bites back as hard
On their anger
None of my pain and woe
Can show through

When my fist clenches, crack it open
Before I use it and lose my cool
When I smile, tell me some bad news
Before I laugh and act like a fool
If I swallow anything evil
Put your finger down my throat
If I shiver, please give me a blanket
Keep me warm, let me wear your coat
(The Who - Behind Blue Eyes)

It's getting closer to the end, every part of me
Then disaster takes its toll and now I'm left with only me
Maybe sorrow plays a role when you feel unkind
Your abuse is medicine, and i'm forever lost in time

Save me, save me before I drown

It's getting closer to the end, I look back and smile
We conquered every single bump in my road, made it all worthwhile
Just remember how I cared when it came crashing down
I'd like to toast to all those angels that were always hanging 'round

Maybe life ain't what it seems, 'cause it's all a dream
Forgive me
Sometimes I feel like a fool, 'cause I'm so uncool*
Forgive me
(Limp Bizkit - Drown)
*hah, it depends what kind of cool you want to label me with

That's it, I don't feel a thing now. Did I fake my own stress? I don't know. My heart has four chambers and a very strong muscle in the centre. I kept all my feelings there, but it seems that the left ventricle which holds the largest portion of my heart for her is now not getting any blood supply. It beats very slowly now and I am not doing anything to keep the pace. I think in the end that chamber will still keep a memory of her been there before, in stagnance but it's not lifeless maybe it's just dormant. I don't know, I can't prove my clairvoyance and I can't foretell. It's just a game I play myself and the brain creates, manipulates and does the punishing unto myself(Charlie Clouser - Hello Zepp song is playing right now, no wonder I use the term game). As I kept her there, I went on to hurt the other parts as though to drill a hole for the flow of blood into there. The hurting is a constant electric short-circuiting of the poor little neurones to the brain and fro(which means that I am dealing with my mind). Physically and visibly, I am doing what I didn't want to to make myself feel good or doing what I wanted so badly but having the guilt running in my veins. You wouldn't want to understand this. I don't know. I can't foretell and I can't prove my clairvoyance. But my instinct earlier prompted me set up a poll on what you think about me. By the end of the year, a silent revelation(thievery of title from Galneryus' song) is made. Send me to the sanitarium dudes..

So, I will try my best to seize the day or die regretting the time you lost; it's empty and cold without you here, so many people to ache over (excerpt from Avenged Sevenfold - Seize The Day).

Thousand apologies(also another thievery of title from Lost Prophets), I wrote this blog out of no where in my mind. It just doesn't make any sense at all if I were to think about what I am writing and it just f*king kills time (especially my sleeping time). I'm really fine, thank you.