109. Through the Eyes of the Pancake Hawker

Ideals/ Personal

- Through my eyes and mind.

First of all, thanks to Ninie~ for encouraging me to write on (especially on travel experiences - yes, on Mount Rinjani climb. Ninie is my fellow adventure/travel friend.) But I don't have yet the motivation and maybe, honestly no full and free-spirited spare time to lay down my accounts on the climbing experience. Much have been recorded through the photos and mostly kept dearly in the heart and mind. I did keep a timeline journal though.

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It's late in the morning after a bank visit, a little boy his hand held by his mummy walk into a hawker centre. The mother said they will have some pancakes for lunch. Boy nods. So she makes the order and they stand by the pan-fried pancake hawker stall. This boy watches as the uncle cooks magic. With steam and smoke billowing up everywhere (it's common in any hawker centre.)

"Uncle, tua eh chi pao."

 "M: uncle, big one. one packet."

"Pao eh chi pao. ho, ho."

 "Uncle: one packet. ok ok." 

"lai, nor kor." 

"Uncle: come, two ringgit."

"oo chau bo uncle? Hor lu goh kor." 

"M: got change, uncle? Give you five ringgit."

"ei sai ei sai. chau lu sah kor. ho ah, kamsiah kamsiah."

 "Uncle: can can. Change you three ringgit. ok, thank you."

"kamsiah." 

"M: thank you."

*

So, I am (kinda) back (again.) haha. Was having just a little chat with my mum (I miss my family and home), and a bruder on our homeland (island to be specific) Penang and its heritage preservation. So much fuss about it in recent years. The matter has been around for decades since independence of the country anyway. It's so much fuss because we Penangites want our home to look like our home in they way it has always been very badly. The state government has been trying to do whatever it can. But of course nothing is perfect. There are times when nothing works out fine and times when efforts bear fruits. The keypoint is having growth and state wealth proportionate and at the same time preserving its heritage, maximum? Or just looks like that but in actual fact everything is like an overdressed mannequin. Read this article on Penang being soulless which has been on share circulation on Facebook among my fellow islander friends. Really, we really love Penang so much really.

I am not touching on how are we doing it or how do we do it. This just an expression. I am not involved in the cultural preservation and conservation of the heritages of Penang. Just a little bit here and there of how things look like through my experiences.

Just the mention of the word "Penang" whether as a name of place, your home or something to do with visiting places most locals will have a picture of hawker food stalls if not mobile street vendors if not the simple yet majestic Penang Bridge if not hill cable car if not Kek Lok Si temple if not traffic jam! No, traffic jam is exclusive to KL. My cousin says it's tenfold worse in Jakarta, Indonesia. True enough, I'd experienced it along the roads and highways around Bandung(also Indonesia.) yada yada

Yes, I am talking about the food stalls in Penang. Penangites just love to eat. And being health conscious at the same time. That's why we don't have the rate of obesity like in America. Just look at your food! How much oil and fat are in it - really yummy. Even Halal food in the streets- picture Nasi Kandar, served with generous amount of fat and oil. Surrender, as long as you enjoy eating.

That's one of the things that make up the picturesque Penang Island. A lot of chinese being non-Muslims so you have a lot of non-Halal food by the streets. I admit, even most simple Chinese dishes have pork lards all over them. I can read your mind, it reads char koay teow. Google whatever names/terms I post here which you think are alien.

The matter I am expressing on is the fact which brings about the existence of so many hawker food stalls there. I don't know even if there is a time when it all started. Or is it just natural, consequential or the thing to do to live. In other words, ricebowl for the vendors. History for sure tells us that there is a lot of immigrants from China, India and Arab. Whole lot of them were workers either forced by the colonizing army or just migrators. My grandfather (father's side) was one of them. So, that explains why are there so many Chinese vendors there in Penang. On why are they mostly revolved around food, it boils back to Penangites being food-lovers.hah. Food is generally the fuel to sustenance. To fill the stomach to survive.

Workers need food to continue working. Families need food to feed their children. The king needs food. We all need food. Again, why does it look like it's so abundant in Penang. Let's not over-analyze. Analysis and socio-economy reports have them. We're here to express and share. The fun part is that we Penangites are very proud of it for having such tasty gastronomy and it is officially regarded as a food paradise.

Typical of a hawker centre.

Many of the vendors were being interviewed over the recent years. They all shared one thing in common. They mention passion. But is that passion conceived (through interest) or through the need to survive back in the older days. Both ways, it can still be passion. Passion to serve is another way. I believe most of them serve as out of passion today. Most of them already have families. You and I and the rest are related to them here and there. Their immediate children may be already doing well in their careers. Some open a fixed shop as part of their family business expansion plan. This is one of the kinds of growth you see in Penang. Food and retail businesses.

Some could be still struggling to make ends meet. Putting bread on the plates of their families. Blood, sweat and tears still spill - the test of time do not compromise on this. No free lunch, so they say. Through my eyes I can only tell that they are working hard whether it is to serve society or as a hobby/passion (to cook and serve food) or altogether. The need to survive lies in the heart and soul of the people doing it.

*

Today, the boy who is a grown young man already. He walks to the stall and make his order, this time by himself with his family seated. This pan-fried pancake seller is still the same man who served in this hawker centre since a decade ago. Only shorter in height due to a slight hunch, with greyer hair and very seasoned/ worked skin. The same simple clothing and towels around. The pancake may not taste the same physically but it will still bear the same values of humility as of a cook's love in his cooking. And maybe the need to survive.

It still make children smile and grown adults cheer while they have the food. The child is me.

"uncle, tua eh chi pua." 

"J: uncle, big one, one plate."

"chiak eh ah? ho ah." 

"Uncle: eat here? ok."

"ah. chei lai bin"

 "J: yes, sitting inside"

"ho, ho." 

"Uncle: ok ok."

"lai siao lien eh, si kor."

 "Uncle: come young one, four ringgit."

"(wah..ki kheh liao..) ah." 

"J: (wah, price increase" yes."

"ok ya, chau lu chi kor."

 "Uncle: ok, change you one ringgit."

*

I can remember two places which sell this pan-fried pancake. A place which is no more was along Beach Street. Another which still exist is in Pulau Tikus. Check link for pictures. Keys: pancake, chinese, banana. Ah memories. My parents used to bring me to eat it or buy back home.

[Direct romanization/"pinyin" of Hokkien words are not accurate and may be incorrect. me not a complete penang hokkien speaker. buat malu jaa..a]
[Account of storytelling is not exact. Drama is added for twist.]
[Picture googled]

108. Of What They See Matters?

Ideals/Brainscrew

cos Nothing Else Matters hah

Really? I guess and I judge so. Now let's keep my judgement "off" this issue.

We are what people see.

What matters is that it's up to you, it's your call, your actions and your own feelings (your heart and wish), so they say. All within yourself. And that's the problem. It only takes place in yourself.

Then comes the action of expression. Comes in two methods; just doing it (nothing else matters) and the other, do it to show, meaning to share and disseminate courses of actions - pretty just share it over a journal or any other social media. 

Get what I am trying to differentiate and point out about? About how your actions are not objectively regarded as actions if they are not seen. The prime matter this post is about being seen. So if you had done something but nobody saw it. nobody actually cares. Your loved ones care, hopefully. If only you let them know. They would listen. If not, same thing. But in faith, they wished so.

Actions and thoughts. This is very general and wide I will not write deeply in any of its aspects or branches. But I will include examples. 

Put in a unique and simpler breakdown of words, what people see are matters (more) than your actions or rational. Yeah, something like they always say, actions speak louder than words. Alter it to, "seen actions are definitely truer than just actions."

Now you see where unsung heroes come into play. Until they are being discussed or found out. Because nobody saw them when they do the heroic acts. 

Another point of view with the same concept would be like, people tend to only catch and notice your wrongdoings and what happened to your work of charity, hard work; contribution which leads to some success. People judge at first sighting and even from the very first encounter. First sight of whatever you're doing. That leads to impression. Without knowing the real reason or rational behind the words, actions or thoughts expressed. So there would be no chance of "forgiveness" if  "good" sight does not appear with you again with that person looking.  You will be praised and congratulated upon showing up again with "good" things happening around.

*

The winner would be the one who can express much well (this excludes up to major whining and excessive lamentations). It's obvious the quiet and timid will fall short of survival in this need-to-be expressive culture and commonality. The modern, smart and intelligent (oh yeah unique smart) or the ones with common senses (must be in line with the current generation or ahead) say, "You gotta be one step ahead. You're going to lose out if you don't step up your level of thinking and... actions." Correct but not all of us intend to do things to be ahead of time and development. Mere workers and lives with souls just want to live. Just living it out. In our own ways. We don't want to be much involved in the rushing scene of competition and race to riches. So we pretty much do not show. Then shine through. 

But we do care about the blood, sweat and tears we dripped so badly. We want to be recognized not competitively but just to be appreciated. Basic feeling. A basic drive in this living. A minimal way to show. But too small the fries to be SEEN.


In reality, this fast moving world does not cater and provide for the living of the average jacks. They want results. They want to SEE results. They do not care how you do it. How you work way up. Being wise and cautious sometimes just does not fit you in the bullet train. Because it's moving so fast the other people want you to get in faster. They want to SEE you get in quick. You might be quick they want it quicker.

Here are some examples in view (at opportune times and of different settings with characters illustrated in a manner not generalising all people) :

1. Too bad. I saw you sitting doing nothing this morning. "But I have completed the orders last night (I didn't get enough sleep). I have done my part. You don't see?" - in your mind. Bad worker you are. 

2. "I love you! Take a look, surprise (gift)!" Yay love you too! Some time later - I am not sure if you really meant it when you said that. (It's just a gift) Thanks though. "But but..I worked day and night everyday to get this for you, I want you to be happy. Not being materialistic but it's a gift I meant to give and express love. I worked towards it." - in your mind and backdrop. Bad lover you are.

These two examples have no relation with whatsoever experience I have gone through but for at least what I've seen. It also applies here - I would only be able to write and talk about things which I have seen for myself. Never seen never knew never felt. Unless it's a feeling you want to pen out first and then make it seen.

*

So, what people see also have impact in what they say or do. And think. Judgements, thoughts, selections, respect, appreciation and the list goes on they are all based on what people see in an obvious light. Because people could not care for what they do not see. Because they do not know and they would not even know that they do not know. Making things worse are people are ignorant for they are already oblivious. It does not stop right at ignorance it's the choice to believe in only what they see, saw and seen. Forgive those tend to make decisions fast based on what they see minimally due to their lack of knowledge and exposure in the particular field. But to forgive those ignorant and stubborn? Maybe not stubborn, something (let's not use the word "worse" because it is judgmental) more in a state of unwillingness to see/hear what they do not believe.

In short, there are people (whom in my eyes do so) who refuse to accept opinions. Not changes. Changes take place with time. It does take time for somebody to accept new systems and development. But in this case opinions in form of varying actions and thoughts. 

So they can't see, they don't matter. 

~ You are kind and caring. You take care of your friends and families. But to some friends and some people, you look like you don't care. Because either you don't often show your care, or your words don't show or they just never had never seen you care for them. "You are not kind and caring." The first statement is about you. The latter statement is the "truth" in the minds of many. 

~ You are hardworking and wise with your decision making to make things work. You work hard to make ends meet. Be it at work, at home or with relationships. But to many, you look like you are not so bothered and actually not care about anything. Like bad apple, you just sit and watch the world burn. Because you remain calm and cool in tight situations. Because you are heavily thinking and trying to work out some proper plans and actions to be executed. Because you kinda look bad-ass. "You are not hardworking and you don't care." It is stated about your true nature. But what people see is you being nonchalant, shoddy and tardy. Then it makes you feel like you rather just be like bad apple - being treated the same way if you ever tried to work harder.

*

They say to just be yourself. There's numerous ways to look at this. I list two. One is let loose; be natural and do or say whatever you intend to - which leads to personal satisfaction and not holding back. Second, admit it that there is nothing real or true in nature and practical with being oneself in this reality. The world will be a very harmonious place to live in if everybody is true to themselves and others. This reality does not look like it haha. In this competitive line of living people are to project themselves in a way that they impress people. Impression and expression. Then action. Of course results ultimately. So these values are all used as means to achieve up to the benefit. Unfortunately, these values portrayed are most probably untrue of the person. But true and definitely effective. Because not everyone will like you being yourself. Let's say you're annoying, perverted, noisy, too quiet or fat; yeah includes inferior values. 

True values are only required to be shown only at home with your loved ones. So they can nourish you with motivational words when the outside world just won't accept you. Unless it's pure charity. People are still people. Do first regret later. Just a little short side note; especially in relationships - people chase for ideal styles and possibly untrue values but seem so great to not to take the "offer". And then people show true values when they are home - see? Oh no I hatechiuuuu.

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I'd believe the social media has played a very large part in this matter of being seen and being recognized. You will be liked, praised and hailed as "godly" good or cool if you know the ways and the so-called tricks (formally known as intelligent marketing and promoting). But you will never be known if they don't see evidence. I don't know... I guess social networking has become more of like a popularity contest indirectly and unknowingly. Settings for yourself are good for filtering your feed. Whereas the general setup is implemented more to cater for the rich and famous. Rich in love, love for ..anything; wealth, wealth of knowledge, experience, tricks (aha), credit; oh yeah fans. 

The seemingly corrupted, fast-moving and greedy world has churned out a result of people becoming more time-consumed, even self-consumed and materialistic. "Materialize" - coming into form which you can see. The little things that may matter more like care, kindness, humility, generosity, health and etc. are not really in the list of to-dos. If they are, they are of low priority or pressed too deep into storage. Yep, that's the point. So consumed with what you want to see. In the end when you don't see yourself up there you jump down.

That will be a whole new lot of issues to be written upon which I am not in the course of performing it.

People = you + me + them. This is also based on what I have seen. I tried to set up an outlook so that I could write from that point of view.

Basically it happens with anyone including you and me. Perception. 

My personal advice and serving as a reminder for myself too is that we can always keep our beliefs strong. We can also open up to opinions. Keep composed and accept that there are definitely different points of views. Not to disregard and disrespect. Because what you believe in is based on what you saw. What you are about to listen or see is of a different belief.

This advice is meant to keep ourselves strong and faithful in ourselves wisely. Because I have come across situations in which people just lose hope. Because people do not believe in them. Because people do not see what they want to see in them. Keep steady rather than regressing into self-inflicted disillusionment and being unrealistic.

107. Walk This Road and That, Oh The Other..

Personal

Treat this as like reading 3-4 posts at a time. Like forcing large siewmai and wantan into your mouth at once.

What's up, world? Can't say folks. Much folks folkin' in the work environment which keeps me matured. Can't say old. They were once young hearts whippin' and trippin' down the ages of gold. So no we don't get boring wise men tales. Instead, we get high energy seasoned wise men joyful experiences in form of reminiscence. In years to come we would be doing that, to your kids to your papa and mama. Or right, just your friends or colleagues from all ages. What about it? Whole lotta life experiences.

Pata, Toshi, Yoshiki and Heath of X-Japan

That's the road I am treading on. Just like how my father and I would do (I learn from him) during walks in the gardens or Sunday exercises. He would pick up large twigs, medium-sized branches or dangerous stones and rocks off the common paths of walk. He didn't build a house of rock en' roll. He made the paths safe for himself and others to walk on. So you and your grandmother won't trip on them.

Why did I follow in that? So you and your grandmother won't trip on them while walking that path. Or the little kids that would be trippin' to tell their grandchildren in 6 decades time that they be trippin' on rocks and rolled down the hills because the path was rocky. So is his life.

Simple habit but makes the difference.

Back on this road. That is an exact analogy literally which I am referring to as what I do if this living. I haven't lived to tell all my stories but along the way, like this pit stop; that I pick up experiences from others and myself to live this living. It's my style of balance. Some would do it all by themselves, kudos. Some dependent all the way, not bad.

Scroll down and you see some gloomy posts which summed up a pretty ugly experience. Scroll more or travel along the past years you see colourful forgings of life. My genes.

Let me give you an insight which I am thinking of right now...let's just put it like this, if you're reading my blog and somehow gets to read more in the near future maybe in some regular fashion; that means I am still sane. Sane as to having a regular good feelin' living. Two other extremes mean either I'm over-enjoying life I delete this blog, the other means I am as dead as close to dead mentally or physically. Has happened hahaha.

Great update here. I am no longer employed in Air Asia already yer know? Yes you know. If you don't know you don't give a fudge I don't give a fudge either haha. My tenure as a junior technician there lasted 1 year and 14 days. Unemployed for 3 days. Even moved to a new place already. Tadaa..started anew at somewhere which is not even one year old at that time. But was actually developed from a section of AIROD under NADI. And NADI owns a part of Malindo Air. oops free advertisement. Fresh.

There I am employed as a Technician distinguished from junior techs. So this road I walk leads me to a career which I have conceived as a life filler. Nah..it's not to fill my life. It's a found passion. Still inspired by flying which I have put aside. Future hasn't said no to flying. Good luck to me in this new company. I will grow with it.

I am going reverse chronological a little. Am I? Yes I am with a vortex. So yeah. On Facebook I have posted a photo album of fun and fun-filled experiences which basically summarizes what I have done in the recovery period of a no-no situation and it's a 21-years-old boy wake-up call. I wasn't on the line for storytelling so let pictures give some hints, they will do.  

September 28-29 - Happy Birthday KY - haha he wasn't around and it wasn't a celebration for him - Langkawi (with Jonathan, Ah Hooi and EMC and and Mr. Shaun) . It was a one day getaway to the island and its beautiful beach. Far away from anything cruel and 'life' threatening.

The Eagle

October 5-6 - Danok, Thailand (with Shahrul, Aidil and Hafis - My AirAsia colleague friends) . It was a staff discounted flight ticket to Alor Setar and then hopping onto Aidil's car (it's his hometown) to head to the border town of Sadao. Sawadeeee--kapp.

Nightlife

November 6-9 - Ho Chi Minh City (Saigon), Vietnam (with Leon Lui and Chia) . An employee coupon-based ticket which is free of charge (but still pays airport taxes) out of Malaysia! It's been 14 years since traveling out of country, which was Japan and Hong Kong. I know we can discuss and talk about travels to no end. So I have to keep it simple. It's Vietnam, one of the Indochinese countries filled with culture and lifestyles that are very much different from the usual.. The city is of course the same but the people are different. Ok..what? Let's just motives are the same but the way of living is different. Beautiful place. Beautiful ladies. hmm..ahem.

Vietnamese coffee, honey, ginger, bee pollen, shell lacquerware, coconut candy and handcrafts

November 18 - Allianz Penang Bridge International Marathon 2012 (with Ah Hooi, Kent, Kacee, Flora, Alan, Wei Wen and the rest of the world) . It's a freak show. It's a leap of faith. It's a non-sensible thing. We asked ourselves before the run, "did we really sign up for this? gosh it's..." full marathon (42.195 km).

OMKneeee

December 2-3 - Ulu Yam Forest Recreational Family Day (with Air Asia colleagues and some of their family members) . It's located at along the way to Genting Highlands. Natural and beautiful. Unperturbed of the busy cities. It's just fun and serenity. Spending great time which made me (more) into missing my workmates. But play is play. Our activities were paintball, BBQ, river swim, water rafting, Flying fox and people-friendship bonding. A midnight activity out of the place too; hot spring bath.woo yeah. And Batu Caves. Thanks to Timothy and Shan for bringing me there. My first time and such a great opportunity to tour with them.

The BBQ hosted by the families of Azrul and Syed Salim

December 14 - Signs out of the office - "Now Everyone Can Fly"
December 17 - Signs in to the new office HUAT AHHH hahahah

And goodbye.

Seems like a time warp and distortion between fantasy and reality. Smile if you agree. Continue breathing if you're bothered. Several months have passed. It's freaking the third month of the year already. I'd say good things have happened. Joy to the world. Joy to myself and people around.

But there's one occurrence I would like to share cryptically. Because it has some meanings. Some meanings which breathed more life into my living. There's this girl I met a few months ago. A friend of friends. Make friends this way is cool actually. You get a hawk's eye view lol.haha.nonsense. And we started talking a lot one time right in between my transition period of switching companies. I reckon we have gotten quite close from time to time. Of many sharing and company. No guessing please. It's not even cryptic it's vague hah.

There's this sort of magic that exist in life that you don't even expect it coming or even possible. Which brings souls coming together or apart. And there's this opportunity to meet her somewhere at the crossroads connecting everywhere to everywhere. I make plans which only work when they fall together. Just like the maps I draw before I set on any journey to new places. So I did it, I met her there. It's a once in a while thing that one would do with no regrets and if it brings joy and smiles, why not. So back to Earth. Life goes on. When she reads and understands this she would laugh heh. This goes for her. She's a girl with a heart the size at least of Earth. She's a great young woman. She's a flower.

After all, it's just an ordinary world, I would follow up on it and see where the river flows where the wind blows where the sun shines at where I would be brought to.





Much more joy for two of my colleagues. Newly weds they are ^^ .

Firdaus and Nurul. Didn't have a good picture of them but it's on Facebook..so I show you door gifts haha.

Flowery

Haris and Nur Afiqah. Can see..nah not going to show them close-up.

Cutting the cake apart but tying the knot : )

That's all folks, of the world, young and old, happy or grumpy. I just made you readers sleepy. Now where the Brainscrew and Ideals themed blog posts have gone? Just so personal of late haha. Of late, I guess I have combined a little of Ideals into Personal it churns out something of something which is using me myself as the subject. Not quite of brainscrew at the moment. Catch up again we will. Tata.

Look...they were this. Rock gila. Salute to Hide (long gone but not forgotten). 

X

[Pictures of X-Japan are googled]

106. Do Daydreams Come True?

Personal

Well, click, load it, sit back and relax. Why not listen to something rather than read haha. At least before reading.

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Glimpses of your life flash before your eyes. Or flashes of memory striking you through your dreams in your sleep. Maybe it's called a day dream.

Woke up early in the evening today at about 3pm. Nobody's at home. Brother and father to work. Mum went out to get her vegetarian needs. Stretch. Picked up the piece of fried egg on the dining table, heated it up and.. Munch. Swallowed and then prepared to cook tomyam instant noodle in soup.

I'd never leave anywhere sound like it's so quiet. Or staying somewhere doing something in quietness.

It's Beyond in the CD player. Out loud. While I have my 'breakfast'. 

I know some of the cantonese lyrics as they are still chinese but still not at its whole. So well, the meanings. Nostalgic, sentimental and with life adventures. Anyway, it's cool and somehow just feeling timeless when you listen to songs written and performed by someone already long gone on earth. Let me name a few who came into my mind as they were very far away when they left. Ka Kui (Beyond), Layne (Alice in Chains), Kurt Cobain (Nirvana), Hide (X-Japan), Lennon (Beatles) and of course Hendrix himself. ok wtf there's a lot actually. 

Because time stopped for them their voices become timeless.

Lots of soul searching went through my mind as I listened to music, had my noodle and read the newspaper. Senses somehow separated themselves cleverly. That's not my point but.. a lot have happened lately. Wonder why I keep saying them but readers would not know what on earth happened exactly for me? I gave you jottings of notes of them in previous posts haha. That's also not important in this post. I rather keep them vague and sublime. Yes they happened. And past. And over. So it is today which I come back here to reflect "silently" by being urm "lyrical." There it was I wrote about what to expect under the video at the top of this post.

Sometimes we wish we could turn back time. It never happens. Sometimes we wish we could start all over anew. Sometimes maybe. Sometimes we wished that we have never started it at all. Not all. I don't. I am always a believer of what's done is done. I will live with it. I will be fine. That's the path carved and it will stay. Plus side, there are sweet memories everywhere. Etched. Not scarred.

Life visuals came down cast upon my mind today. Occurred several times through out the day. Even a small nap before I started typing on this. 

Just thought that why don't we leave the bad experiences behind tell them be good and keep quiet. They could be rejections, accidents, failures or just some certain bad hair days. Never tried never knew. So now we know. That's the bright side. 

Forget what they've wronged us. Forget what we've broken. Forget the reasons they happen. But keep in heart that one very reason in the first place they can actually happen. Because we chose and decided to start them anyway. No regrets.

Forgiveness is not necessary. It does not matter because we have stepped up higher. Cruel world but we still have to move on.

There's this quote on my aunt's t-shirt, " Never look down on people unless you're helping them up."

*

On my separation of me and "in a relationship with.." I could say a thousand words. I could sing many songs just to reflect on it. I think they don't matter. The songs only serve for that very moment you sing it. Come listen to good music. This one serves only for the moment. John Petrucci - Lost Without You .lol. There are some songs which are not for the moment but rather general or for the revival period. haha

When the sun rises again. Even the steps are ready.

So rather than singing them out. I chose to walk on. Move on. Like it never happened? A little. Like a loop travel. It's in my head. But rather than keep wondering why are they flashing in your mind and burning in the heart, I look forward and do what I am supposed to do. Live this living like a strong good man.

That's the best I could deliver for myself, and the world later on.

Happy Birthday ;)

105. September Rain and Shine

Personal

It's been 4 years and about 5 months since I started this blog. woo

Just 4 years. Sounds long? Or fast. But one thing for sure, heck whole lotta things have happened; for the bad and for the good.

When good things take place the speed of life seems to be irregular. Happiness and excitement all make us feel good and seemingly like we're living the best out of our lives.

When bad things come; it felt like the train is slowing down. You gotta run for your life. From cabin to cabin searching for the missing item. In and out of the train as it is still slow looking for something to mend life. 

Moving on from something bad is tough. Sounds and looks easy. Supposed to be easy. It is oneself who makes it so hard to wake up from the knock-down. It's a matter of time, mind and mind-activity.

Time heals in a way. Memory lapses and new experiences to overwrite if only one is willing not to keep thinking back. Mind; it's all in the mind. No one can let go of bad experience so easily. It's a scar. Mind-activity; keep it active with other plans and events help one to move on and not just sit in one place recalling how deep the scar was.

Oh.. bad things. I mean failures and setbacks, from life, love, career and any other possible endeavour in the living. 

It's easy to plan to let go and forget about what had happened. But it's not easy to execute it. We are all so full of emotions. Buddha made it clear...we all screwed ourselves anyway. Anyway it's a journey of enlightenment altogether or along the way. 

Failures are bound here and there anywhere. Small or large the scale it depends on how one takes it. Failing a study subject might make someone cry but might not even move the other. Or the duration of disappointment; one might get over the failure within the following day but one might hold on to it for months until success comes or die. In short, it varies with people.

Broken. Crumbled. Can you build it back?

*

Personally, a love relationship with a certain someone just failed me. I didn't fail it. There are many factors on why it is hard for me to let go. Most obvious reason is being that it was my first love. And that might be the prime factor leading to more reasons of this heartache.

It's an awful and overnight devastation. It just happen so abruptly. One day I was talking with her the next day she left. I guess feelings come and go real quick. Like a needle jabs. Effect is long lasting.

I'd been left knocking on the door on my knees everyday and night without answer. Until judgement day.

Why did I do that? I love her so much. My feelings for her are overwhelming..anyone who breaks up would say this..it is just true when you lose something you will express it the most. It's not that we don't appreciate when we have the person in our life; we're so broken we begged for them not to leave. The same feeling.

Because I have done so much, at least just for her if not for us. I do not like to sound like I'm bragging but I have to admit that I have really put so much effort and poured much "blood, sweat and tears" along the way. There were hiccups no doubt of tiredness and other commitments. Given and taken.

Only to see her walk away. 

I was not given a chance to meet her to set matters straight, let alone talking to her properly over the phone. Well, she's too busy with her work. Bravo.

I believed our relationship was intruded. Trying everyday ever since not to believe it. No, I don't like that gentleman trying out his luck on my lady. I don't know if it bore fruit or even if he has no intentions. It certainly reinforced the barrier that already had existed between me and her. The barrier that was distance and time-attention for her. It was not a long distant relationship. I drive to see her regularly if not very frequently. Judge it, 40km.

Certainly I felt betrayed or cheated on.

It made almost everybody going through this kind of dilemma looking like a fool as a result of desperation because nobody likes to accept the fact and get over it so quickly. I never gave up. Or should I have the instance I was told off?

Fair enough. She has more time and concentration for her work now or to whatever she intends to do more in the absence of me in her heart.

It's this hard for me to let go even by a bit by bit. As advised by my friends I should not feel tempted to constantly stand by the feeling of rekindling the feelings. Yeah..who gives up so easily. A sudden loss. A void so abrupt. It takes a man to take the beating and be courageous enough to stand up again and continue the journey. Guess it applies similarly to other aspects in this living. The time does not stop ticking.

*

Am I willing to close the chapter and leave the book behind?

If she reads this... These are the dreaded feelings to you I last pen down. Only on this post.  

Of course I will still sayang and miss you.

May a new chapter opens. Come whatever may.  

Nothing lasts forever. haha

[Broken bridge picture - googled]

104. Reality

Personal

Nothing is real. No one is. Everyone is just pretentious. Even me myself. And the rest of the whole world. 

You have to hide certain feelings. For good and for bad. Some neutral. 

We don't feel or see the true motives anymore these days. Good or bad, we all have our very own agenda. Our own objectives. 

Unfortunately, I don't have much to post nowadays. No progress in music making. Just simple sound recording using the phone. As I age as I mature I seem to keep more words to myself. More thoughts come to play which come into conflict with to-be spoken words. They leaked out of the brain halfway only to be swallowed through the mouth and throat. Gulp.

More things to take care. More issues to solve. More agenda to accomplish. Less time to spend.

Only natural. Manageable by only those who are strong enough to stand on a pair of legs.

I will just do with what a pair of legs can do.

103. Up and Down the Road of L

Personal

Previous post was written on the 14th of April. Let's just say 10 months ago. Felt like it'd been ages since I log in here to write something. But then again, looking at the date and the number it seems like only 10 months ago. Not even a year ago yet.

But in these 10 months thousands of hair strands have dropped. I think hahah.

Many things have had taken place.

I was only doing an industrial training at MAS. I am employed already as an aircraft technician at AirAsia. Hi Tony.

Several other things have changed. Physically not so. Emotionally a lot.

Feelings come and go. But certain feelings stay. And if you work hard enough and put faith into them they become everlasting. Certain maturity comes into play.

{Digress a little...just like how you support a football club for years or forever aha}

You just never give up. What drives you not to give it up? Maturity, conscience and (at least) an eye for everlasting love in life.

This living is a life in which we're living in. Time is ticking. The time starts moving since we're born into this world on planet Earth. It never stops. We never stop, breathing and living. So we're living it. We're living this time.

It stops ticking the moment our life ends. That's when we stop living.

Whatever we do, they are in this time. Spending time. Filling up the living.


Couldn't find the original song in youtube. So I link to someone's cover on Bob Dylan - I Feel A Change Comin' On

Till then.

102. Football Spirit

Ideals/Personal

It's burning! It's your favourite team/club winning! It's a goal!

It's footballllllll. In the US, they call it soccerrrrrrr.

This post is an ideal concept conceived as perceived by me in view of the current style of supporting-your-"(favourite)"-football-team/club.

A fellow football sports fan/supporter once talked about something similar to what I intended to write on here. He talked about why certain people support or become fan of certain football clubs - one of the critical reason is seeing your favourite player playing in it. Fair enough, a lot of us football lovers have some kind of heroes in the game to look forward to in watching the games.

Here in this footballing post, supporter is approximately equivalent to fan. Fan is defined here as someone more loud and hardcore as compared to being a supporter who merely supports the sports and the games. I, myself is a football and an Arsenal supporter (slightly fan). I enjoy any football games but only reserved time mostly to watch my favourite club play. I love the footballing spirit. I genuinely find footballing is a great sports activity and a team-based game altogether.

Tell me what you know about footballing when you shout, "MANU ROCKS! CHELSHIT GO TO HELL!". Nah, don't tell me about histories or how the ball came into play.

And corruption spoils the game totally. Especially the spirit. People with money and power to manipulate games really put the game in the limelight of disgrace and disappointment. I believe most football players hate game fixing They may lost all the games they play in their life but buying your way up the podium is just not football. You may as well go to the casino and gamble or fix your way through to earn cold hard cash.

So do tell me about how the teams play strategies or how the player play the ball the next time you shout, "ARSENAL FOR THE WIN!". There must be a reason why they put up the banner, "Giggs has been tearing you apart since $%^&*". Sorry, fellow Arsenal fans I support football totally so any team which plays well I'd like to watch and savour.

Let me brief you on the types/styles of fans in my opinion generically. It's typically EPL teams or Barcelona.

(not in any order of atrocity)
1. Die-hard fans good version - These are the fans who support fully their favourite team since whatsoever age for whatsoever reason. They do not condemn other teams. They concentrate only in their favourite team.

2. Die-hard fans bad version - Ditto the first sentence of no. 1 description. They condemn the other teams because they only love their favourite team. They only support the other team when that team is playing to bring down an opponent team which is a major threat to their favourite team in the standing.

3. Bus-thirds - So-called fans who only expressed their support to show that they are supporting the correct team which is usually the team which wins a lot. Who does not really watch football. Non-sensical actually, omit this but situation exists.

4. Common bus-thirds - Fans who picked the best team which is usually the team which wins a lot - ok kudos for knowing the history and so you picked an all-time winner team. And watch not much of football. Reason slightly similar to no.3 which intention is to be "correct" in choosing a favourite team.

5. Footballer fans - This is rather a subcategory for no.1 and no.2. These fans they play football. They know football. They enjoy football. Their reason in choosing their favourite team depends on the no.1 or no.2 category they fall in.

6. Non-football fans - This accompanies no.5. They do not play football. They may or not know about football. But they enjoy football, because this falls under either no.1 or no.2 ~diehard.

7. Neutral creeps - They might still be analysing on which team to pick and make it their favourite. If not, then they are just enjoying the game. Good thing these people do not make a fuss when watching. Everything looks normal or cool if there is a goal.

8. Neutral creeps version 2 - They analysed and they picked the team which they think plays properly or skillfully or amusing. They join in the fun of supporting spirit. Other time, they remain nonchalant.

(this categorizing and condemning of fans are based on my observation opinionatedly - come on I don't have the right to say you don't have the right to support I just think your football spirit and mine are different)

I reserve no. 9 and no. 10 to be described shortly after this brief intermission. No.9 and no.10 have good football spirit but not necessarily the best because die-hard fans hold their spirit highest among all.haha. And no.9 and no.10 are description-modified versions of no.1 and no.2 die-hard categories. I mean they could be die-hard too but their reason are defined precisely.

9. Experience-based - One might have went to watch the to-be favourite team play before. Or met any of the players before. Or just that the TV somehow seemed to show the particular team play when it is switched on. This could be due to his/her die-hard fan father or brother. So this know-nothing person picks up from there. Or by playing video games. These are also basically results of luck.

10. Player/material-based - Handsome player. Handsome coach lol. Good samaritan player. Beautiful jerseys. Amazing advertisement. ok la super skillful player. Very subjective. Definitely not of pure football spirit but surely somehow or rather, develops into it.

Hopefully that's all. ~"bola sepak - raja sukan".


About my style of supporting: I'm a combination of no.9 and no. 10. A bit of this and that from them. This is how I come to supporting Arsenal FC as I can remember. On experience-based I agree with my brother claiming that somehow we just chose that team to play in a video game. Ok respect, Winning Eleven it's a good football video game. So from there, we learn the names of the players and associate with their football matches we watch occasionally on TV.

Let me recall, there are Pires, Kanu, Wiltord, Ljungberg, Bergkamp, Seaman, Henry...a handful of great players which I can recall. Notice that these players I just mentioned are not in the club anymore.

Henry is great. And then before World Cup 2002 I heard that Zidane is great. So I became a fan of Les Bleus, the France team. This is no.10 style of football spirit.

These players are not performing anymore. At least not for Arsenal or France anymore but I still continue to support them. This has become a result of development of footballing spirit. A reasoned and seasoned one. I really respect people who tell me about how good Manchester United players play their spirit and their winning legacy and they are downright the most rightful fans of Manchester United. And because I was and still is partially a Red Devil supporter. How these people came about to support the Busby Boys are not generally important anymore. It's the spirit.


To be honest, I'm never die-hard. I just might sound like one because supporting becomes interesting and exciting during get-togethers for football watching.

ok there had been countless mentions of the word "football spirit". That is it.

Do you know who this player is? He is Jared Borgetti who plays for Mexico.

[photos taken from googling]

101. Kickstart Fitness + The 4th String Ensemble

Personal/Ideals

This post is supposed to be written a few weeks ago or so in the month of January. But it's mid-February already. Doesn't matter so much. But the feel is lost a little. Mundane.

So there are ambitions there are dreams there are daydreams there are goals and targets. We all have one or more. I have all but I am flexible about how I achieve. With bad discipline and irregular consistency. Wise man says, "you can't go far like that". But I want to enjoy as much living in my own most interesting ways. Successful people might say, "you ain't enjoying like that because you ain't achieving - you're just playing around - no commitment".

I was plain and goalless. I only breathed and functioned like fated. I realised fate is just a word to convince the unfortunate that someone out there caused the unfortunate. It's still a practical word but I rather not live on that. I stood up and grabbed my own puppet strings and orchestrate me myself.

But this current living ~ the 21st century modern civilisation on Earth is fast and competitive. I just started to like a couple of things/activities and it seems that the best thing for me to do now is enjoy the passion, support and take them as hobbies only. I succumbed to a lot of these lost dreams.

I would also say to myself that it's never too late to start. Yes it's never too late to start and be good in it but never in the top level. Cos like I said this current world is fast and competitive. At my age, I'm no more of that productivity/standard-be-able-to-achieve level of performance.

Cos I just started liking them it's like new found passion. But yes, it's never too late to take them up and for practise. But not of competition level anymore. I will leave that to my dreams or start my children young on them great activities. I don't want them to be idle like how I used to be some 5-10 years ago. I don't blame my parents. Parents are not to be blamed. The best thing for them to do is exposure and encouragement and that's only if they are aware of it. They are not wrong at all. The negative part is when they force, that is when they are overzealous in seeing their kids doing what they want to see the kids doing. Thumbs down.

But thumbs up for my parents for the average living (in malay, we call it kesederhanaan) I was brought up in. I get to explore by myself albeit a little too late or slow for myself. But I enjoy it nevertheless. I think having fun is the most important factor no matter what people say. It's a personal level. But let there be some knowledge and genuine passion. Not as a means.

What I meant, I really love:
1. Football / Sports
2. Playing music

I am very interested in:
3. Mixed martial arts

I am keen on/I can do it:
4. Bodybuilding - fitness

But I ain't like competing in no.4 - but Arnold is really bizarre.

Marathon is the new entry in to the category of no. 1. These are all really motivation-based activities.


Usually these activities are not to be done alone because results are vital and it's natural to compare either to a standard or your partner only we see and encourage improvements.

So yes, I will expose my future children to sports. It's a must... it's healthy and always good. Music, it's healthy and always good - certain music must not apply. Martial arts, always healthy and good. Bodybuilding, it's up to him/her after I show him/her my body lol gyahahaha.

This is the self-recorded and self-standard physical status record.

Height: 164 cm
Weight: 55 kg
Chest: 34 inches
Biceps: 11.5 inches
Thighs: N/A (nah don't really train on this - only running and simple weight curls)

Run
Distance: 5 km
Time: 29 minutes
Average speed: 10.2 km/h

Presses (for chest) - 10kg each arm
Curls (for biceps) - 7.5kg each arm
Push-ups (flat) - 21 times

(As of starting of the year - January/February 2011)

I did 1.5km runs too. The best I did during school days was about 9-10minutes. A recent record during the training for marathon I did about 8 minutes. And the most recent which was a few days ago I did ..the handphone application screwed up.

fakaladingdong it was about 7-8 minutes already after a distance of 1.4km so I pushed faster to get a better time. I swear to whatever freaking god out there I ran 300 metres already the distance still shows 1.4 and it's past 10 minutes.

I believe the application lags sometimes in the update of number. It might update when the distance becomes 1.6 or so in line with the time recorded. It's just that I want the time particularly for 1.5km it disappointed me.

This was probably my best record so far http://youareinmydream.blogspot.com/2010/11/98-progress-run-3-rekindled.html

My 2 hours and 58 minutes in my first 21km marathon is satisfactory but I am very disappointed that I took a freaking 1 hour 20 minutes for the 9.3km mark. Shame wei..own training record was so good at about 30-40 minutes for 6-7 km. It's like another 3km took another 40 minutes.

Ok end of fitness. Next up, my guitar.

I left my guitar at home since going down to KL so I've not played it for 4 weeks. But I found guitars everywhere in almost every crew room at my workplace. So, I get to play a bit of acoustic.

My thinnest string snapped and broke just after 3 days I resumed playing (got it back down here at KL after the cny fest). Got whipped while I was tuning it. Duno why maybe that part which broke was corroded thin already or just weakened by extensive bend of the part of the string.

And since I don't used to change one string only at a time I decided to change the first 3 strings instead of changing all of them since my 4th, 5th and 6th strings are still in a very good condition and I like em gauges 30 44 and 52.

So, I got this...

Dunlop Med/Heavy - Gauges 11 14 17 28 38 50

It's the first time my 1st 3 thin strings increase in gauge. I had been using 10 13 17. So I combine them old GHS Boomers GBTNT 30 44 52 and Dunlop 11 14 17 and give it a reality check.

Result:
I love it.

A broader and slightly mellow tone is produced. This in my opinion is the result of a complete heavier range of string gauge. Standard range is 10 13 17 26 36 46 I think which is quite thin compared to the ones I am using.

The mellowness is ideal as I love to have lower muddy tones in my playing, be it upbeat or dark songs. Especially metal or metal-based style of songs I like to play them in more crunchy and juicy tone. So in my opinion I can get that sound with heavier gauges.

Cos my Tele tone is already naturally thin, I get these thicker strings to beef it up. It works, at least to my ears and heart haha.

I mentioned slightly mellow because I still feel that it's quite bright which is not bad because it still sounds great in any kind of songs I try to play.

So, that's all about my 4th purchase of strings set.

100. New Year Review (pig-o-1-1)

Ideals/Personal

There goes.

People grow old and older. Most friends of mine of who are of my age are hitting 21 this year. I just hit 2o years old 4 months ago anyway.

When you were young, you just grow and learn. Whatever happened seemed to be like yesterday's wrongdoings and lessons learnt. When you have matured whatever happened seemed like regrets and "I wish I could turn back time" scenarios. But whatever happens it's only for this life.

I'm not sure if I'm the only one but I reckon, most people if not every body feels similarly the way I thought I feel. We keep learning and we keep updating (according to our environment or adapting to worldly living trend) how we feel and that's how people change and grow more mature or to understand living towards betterment.

Life is an overrated word. Really.

It's a battle of HP and MP with a limit break. You hit when it's your turn.

If you're expecting me to review on my life events and activities like I used to then you are slightly not accurately correct. I have too much to write about myself for a self-obsessed ordinary lad. So I'm dedicating this review as a review of my blog. Should I include the exclamation mark? Like, "I'm dedicating this review to my blog!". Then ^.^ then XP and ;D

Life was good. "And it will always be good" till it ends one fine day. For those living in fear under a collapsed roof, hiding from militants, suffering from suicide bombers, starving without food for your baby, oppressed by your drunk father... I express my sympathy. If there only exist Superman or Batman superheroes alike and many of them in "clones" everybody can say "life IS good".

So, plainly as I am and was I was a carefree young teenager who worked 26 days just to feel a little better as a person who wants to work hard and earn money for himself. He joins his two close friends to Botanical Gardens there almost everyday for fun and fitness. In April, there was this Hikathon in Penang hills and also the establishing of this blog.

He likes to dream and he always do. Critical acclaim for daydreaming - No-ball Lifetime award. So he named the url with the statement "you-are-in-my-dream". It's definitely a statement. Anyways, it applies to almost everyone because somewhat I dream at some point of everyone whom I met or knew some point. Ah of course if that's that simple I can even name it I-like-your-body like wouh, beautiful ladies and sexy. But no. Understood. At least for my crushes/infatuations who walked in reality.

So as expected from me in the earlier days circa 2005 - 2009 I sound gloomy and dark in most of writings. I didn't have to post how sad I was or how angry I was with anything. I just have all the time in the world to write about the world from the sightglass of my eyes and the unfiltered audio line-in of my ears. Then I don't use my mouth to express so much. Unbrushed contaminants might spoil communication. So I write (read: type).

It's easy, I have compiled before to the sidebar of this blog. It's categorized under Philociples. And those Brain-screws are my favourite posts. They make no sense at all if I don't talk to you before about whatsoever keywords contained there. Even sometimes when I reread it it doesn't make any sense anymore. Changes.

The lowest selection is a collection of an old blog. Yes blogging from me started way back in 2004/2005. But it was dull. Thinking back my life back in those years were really dull. I find no interest in recollecting them or to treasure anything. Bad.

After that was an onset of silent emotional setbacks. It goes like this..my physical puberty was at about the age of 12 and then mentally at about 16. oops.

Flashforward please.

2008
So yeah, when I started this (dot)blogspot writing it was mostly activities filled posts. Positive negative it depended. I'm recommending this read BOOBy Trap.

I checked back. I had some internal mental/emotional torture back then expressed in words. Haha glad those days were over - told you, the puberty of mental was late. Yer can see no sadness in me cos I'm really never sad. Common term is insane. I might be done with Schizophrenia. Maybe not the more I think of it I might as well become one with it.

And then the start of tertiary education for most of us. So as some weird random posts. It feels funny when I browse through my old posts. I write stuffs which are really crazy as in get-f-off crazy. Not funny crazy or crazy crazy. I think this review is not going anywhere other than drifting into analysing how stupid crazy I sounded like.

This is for my love for earthly revolution Pangea and Global Peace.

And I think I write most of my best brain-screw "theses" around that time. With derivations from movies such as Dark Knight, James Bond and Watchmen later.

99 posts are a lot to look through. I'm lost in my own review.

2009 and 2010
I admit mostly were activities. Because activities make blogs active. Because lately I don't have much to ramble on openly. The length to scroll for the list of year 2008 posts is like almost 1 foot. Year 2009 about 6inches plus. Year 2010 no need to scroll at all. That explains.

Blogging is like sports and bodybuilding. It's motivation-based. If you happen to have no one at all to read then I think it's really useless to write. But it's a modern world. We use blog as like some kind diary yeah journal. So if no one reads, who actually cares. Unless you're earning as a blogger you need traffic. As for me, close friends and random visitors do read/check/take a look from time to time so I'm glad I'm not alone. God is watching. I should add XD 0.0 :S

I think the year 2009 passed quite fast. I mean it's year 2011 already and I still talking about 2 years ago. A bit vague.

Well, in 2009 I have already moved in to a rented house so there goes. Additional freedom to transport, food and et cetera infrastructure that is available. So I settled down. In the sense of activities. Cos you know you're going to be staying here longer than it was in hostel. I started doing some music stuffs.

Not exactly making music but yeah doing something with music. I record a little and mix a little. And experiment with certain songs. Filefactory used to host a media player - widget which I regularly uploaded songs into it. And then I did uploaded some of my mixing record work. It takes patience and the want to make the records sound clear and nice (smooth). And also for me, the basic ability to track the parts for editting..and..and..and..motivation to work further on them.

As you can see there's one file in the filefactory but downloading it is not possible according to friends who tried. That's just an improvisation of guitar lead over a drum track. These are the likes of posts which I get very technical only existent after year 2009: Snakey demo - Sound Techie and many more others ..some about my guitar etc fun.

I find that the posts in year 2010 were mostly random and out of the blue. If I watched football and felt like talk about it then you get football post. Or music.

A LOT on sports and fitness towards the end. Ended nicely with my marathon result.

My preview for the future.
1. fitness records and reviews
2. music recordings and mixes
3. issues regarding earth and the government of gods
4. feelings

Feelings, the last thing I would want to talk about. And you don't do that often do you. Ain't so emotional in open. I may as well cry to myself or to mummy.

Because we have Facebook. It's more updating and it refreshes instantly. In a minute you're sad then the next you're happy after receiving a hug from a friend or your mama just called saying "don't worry". In blog case, you ain't wana spam your blog up to 1000 posts just for a collection "XD" "T.T" ";D" or "oOo" duno. this is still cooler \m/ it's even more cool in Yahoo! Chat. Ask Jon or Hooi. Signatory of "rock kapakkk" when the emoticon shouts.

I don't expect this long actually. It somehow has to be this long. It's natural.

So. The flowchart or graph will show a trend of increasing happiness through out my blog posts. And then stagnant and steady. That's a good sign. Maybe when I break up with a gf or divorce in the further future I might write a sad post like "I'm the bitch".

So long so forth I wish you Happy New Year and happy new day for everyday you live you first wake up and realise that you're still breathing. That's more significant. So you won't regret the day the moment you lost something. You won't want to say I want to turn back time or I hate my life. I can hate my height (lol) but I don't because I am happy for what I am, have become and can change.

Coming up next: New Year Fitness Report/Record, Symphony of Destruction and many more.

.

The title of this post is a "if you know the poetic value term", it's meant for hokkien speaking people to translate that one word then he/she will know whatever I meant to put it as. I mean the 'pig' word only.

Bless you.

Pearl Jam - Even Flow

Gladly listened in B fm 89.9 and identified through wsas91a.com radio.


[FFVII battle screenshot given by my brother.]