A Maverick's Rock: 105. September Rain and Shine

Personal

It's been 4 years and about 5 months since I started this blog. woo

Just 4 years. Sounds long? Or fast. But one thing for sure, heck whole lotta things have happened; for the bad and for the good.

When good things take place the speed of life seems to be irregular. Happiness and excitement all make us feel good and seemingly like we're living the best out of our lives.

When bad things come; it felt like the train is slowing down. You gotta run for your life. From cabin to cabin searching for the missing item. In and out of the train as it is still slow looking for something to mend life.

Moving on from something bad is tough. Sounds and looks easy. Supposed to be easy. It is oneself who makes it so hard to wake up from the knock-down. It's a matter of time, mind and mind-activity.

Time heals in a way. Memory lapses and new experiences to overwrite if only one is willing not to keep thinking back. Mind; it's all in the mind. No one can let go of bad experience so easily. It's a scar. Mind-activity; keep it active with other plans and events help one to move on and not just sit in one place recalling how deep the scar was.

Oh.. bad things. I mean failures and setbacks, from life, love, career and any other possible endeavour in the living.

It's easy to plan to let go and forget about what had happened. But it's not easy to execute it. We are all so full of emotions. Buddha made it clear...we all screwed ourselves anyway. Anyway it's a journey of enlightenment altogether or along the way.

Failures are bound here and there anywhere. Small or large the scale it depends on how one takes it. Failing a study subject might make someone cry but might not even move the other. Or the duration of disappointment; one might get over the failure within the following day but one might hold on to it for months until success comes or die. In short, it varies with people.

Broken. Crumbled. Can you build it back?

Personally, a love relationship with a certain someone just failed me. I didn't fail it. There are many factors on why it is hard for me to let go. Most obvious reason is being that it was my first love. And that might be the prime factor leading to more reasons of this heartache.

It's an awful and overnight devastation. It just happen so abruptly. One day I was talking with her the next day she left. I guess feelings come and go real quick. Like a needle jabs. Effect is long lasting.

I'd been left knocking on the door on my knees everyday and night without answer. Until judgement day.

Why did I do that? I love her so much. My feelings for her are overwhelming..anyone who breaks up would say this..it is just true when you lose something you will express it the most. It's not that we don't appreciate when we have the person in our life; we're so broken we begged for them not to leave. The same feeling.

Because I have done so much, at least just for her if not for us. I do not like to sound like I'm bragging but I have to admit that I have really put so much effort and poured much "blood, sweat and tears" along the way. There were hiccups no doubt of tiredness and other commitments. Given and taken.

Only to see her walk away.

I was not given a chance to meet her to set matters straight, let alone talking to her properly over the phone. Well, she's too busy with her work. Bravo.

I believed our relationship was intruded. Trying everyday ever since not to believe it. No, I don't like that gentleman trying out his luck on my lady. I don't know if it bore fruit or even if he has no intentions. It certainly reinforced the barrier that already had existed between me and her. The barrier that was distance and time-attention for her. It was not a long distant relationship. I drive to see her regularly if not very frequently. Judge it, 40km.

Certainly I felt betrayed or cheated on.

It made almost everybody going through this kind of dilemma looking like a fool as a result of desperation because nobody likes to accept the fact and get over it so quickly. I never gave up. Or should I have the instance I was told off?

Fair enough. She has more time and concentration for her work now or to whatever she intends to do more in the absence of me in her heart.

It's this hard for me to let go even by a bit by bit. As advised by my friends I should not feel tempted to constantly stand by the feeling of rekindling the feelings. Yeah..who gives up so easily. A sudden loss. A void so abrupt. It takes a man to take the beating and be courageous enough to stand up again and continue the journey. Guess it applies similarly to other aspects in this living. The time does not stop ticking.

Am I willing to close the chapter and leave the book behind?

If she reads this... These are the dreaded feelings to you I last pen down. Only on this post.

Of course I will still sayang and miss you.

May a new chapter opens. Come whatever may.