106. Do Daydreams Come True?

Personal

Well, click, load it, sit back and relax. Why not listen to something rather than read haha. At least before reading.

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Glimpses of your life flash before your eyes. Or flashes of memory striking you through your dreams in your sleep. Maybe it's called a day dream.

Woke up early in the evening today at about 3pm. Nobody's at home. Brother and father to work. Mum went out to get her vegetarian needs. Stretch. Picked up the piece of fried egg on the dining table, heated it up and.. Munch. Swallowed and then prepared to cook tomyam instant noodle in soup.

I'd never leave anywhere sound like it's so quiet. Or staying somewhere doing something in quietness.

It's Beyond in the CD player. Out loud. While I have my 'breakfast'. 

I know some of the cantonese lyrics as they are still chinese but still not at its whole. So well, the meanings. Nostalgic, sentimental and with life adventures. Anyway, it's cool and somehow just feeling timeless when you listen to songs written and performed by someone already long gone on earth. Let me name a few who came into my mind as they were very far away when they left. Ka Kui (Beyond), Layne (Alice in Chains), Kurt Cobain (Nirvana), Hide (X-Japan), Lennon (Beatles) and of course Hendrix himself. ok wtf there's a lot actually. 

Because time stopped for them their voices become timeless.

Lots of soul searching went through my mind as I listened to music, had my noodle and read the newspaper. Senses somehow separated themselves cleverly. That's not my point but.. a lot have happened lately. Wonder why I keep saying them but readers would not know what on earth happened exactly for me? I gave you jottings of notes of them in previous posts haha. That's also not important in this post. I rather keep them vague and sublime. Yes they happened. And past. And over. So it is today which I come back here to reflect "silently" by being urm "lyrical." There it was I wrote about what to expect under the video at the top of this post.

Sometimes we wish we could turn back time. It never happens. Sometimes we wish we could start all over anew. Sometimes maybe. Sometimes we wished that we have never started it at all. Not all. I don't. I am always a believer of what's done is done. I will live with it. I will be fine. That's the path carved and it will stay. Plus side, there are sweet memories everywhere. Etched. Not scarred.

Life visuals came down cast upon my mind today. Occurred several times through out the day. Even a small nap before I started typing on this. 

Just thought that why don't we leave the bad experiences behind tell them be good and keep quiet. They could be rejections, accidents, failures or just some certain bad hair days. Never tried never knew. So now we know. That's the bright side. 

Forget what they've wronged us. Forget what we've broken. Forget the reasons they happen. But keep in heart that one very reason in the first place they can actually happen. Because we chose and decided to start them anyway. No regrets.

Forgiveness is not necessary. It does not matter because we have stepped up higher. Cruel world but we still have to move on.

There's this quote on my aunt's t-shirt, " Never look down on people unless you're helping them up."

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On my separation of me and "in a relationship with.." I could say a thousand words. I could sing many songs just to reflect on it. I think they don't matter. The songs only serve for that very moment you sing it. Come listen to good music. This one serves only for the moment. John Petrucci - Lost Without You .lol. There are some songs which are not for the moment but rather general or for the revival period. haha

When the sun rises again. Even the steps are ready.

So rather than singing them out. I chose to walk on. Move on. Like it never happened? A little. Like a loop travel. It's in my head. But rather than keep wondering why are they flashing in your mind and burning in the heart, I look forward and do what I am supposed to do. Live this living like a strong good man.

That's the best I could deliver for myself, and the world later on.

Happy Birthday ;)

105. September Rain and Shine

Personal

It's been 4 years and about 5 months since I started this blog. woo

Just 4 years. Sounds long? Or fast. But one thing for sure, heck whole lotta things have happened; for the bad and for the good.

When good things take place the speed of life seems to be irregular. Happiness and excitement all make us feel good and seemingly like we're living the best out of our lives.

When bad things come; it felt like the train is slowing down. You gotta run for your life. From cabin to cabin searching for the missing item. In and out of the train as it is still slow looking for something to mend life. 

Moving on from something bad is tough. Sounds and looks easy. Supposed to be easy. It is oneself who makes it so hard to wake up from the knock-down. It's a matter of time, mind and mind-activity.

Time heals in a way. Memory lapses and new experiences to overwrite if only one is willing not to keep thinking back. Mind; it's all in the mind. No one can let go of bad experience so easily. It's a scar. Mind-activity; keep it active with other plans and events help one to move on and not just sit in one place recalling how deep the scar was.

Oh.. bad things. I mean failures and setbacks, from life, love, career and any other possible endeavour in the living. 

It's easy to plan to let go and forget about what had happened. But it's not easy to execute it. We are all so full of emotions. Buddha made it clear...we all screwed ourselves anyway. Anyway it's a journey of enlightenment altogether or along the way. 

Failures are bound here and there anywhere. Small or large the scale it depends on how one takes it. Failing a study subject might make someone cry but might not even move the other. Or the duration of disappointment; one might get over the failure within the following day but one might hold on to it for months until success comes or die. In short, it varies with people.

Broken. Crumbled. Can you build it back?

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Personally, a love relationship with a certain someone just failed me. I didn't fail it. There are many factors on why it is hard for me to let go. Most obvious reason is being that it was my first love. And that might be the prime factor leading to more reasons of this heartache.

It's an awful and overnight devastation. It just happen so abruptly. One day I was talking with her the next day she left. I guess feelings come and go real quick. Like a needle jabs. Effect is long lasting.

I'd been left knocking on the door on my knees everyday and night without answer. Until judgement day.

Why did I do that? I love her so much. My feelings for her are overwhelming..anyone who breaks up would say this..it is just true when you lose something you will express it the most. It's not that we don't appreciate when we have the person in our life; we're so broken we begged for them not to leave. The same feeling.

Because I have done so much, at least just for her if not for us. I do not like to sound like I'm bragging but I have to admit that I have really put so much effort and poured much "blood, sweat and tears" along the way. There were hiccups no doubt of tiredness and other commitments. Given and taken.

Only to see her walk away. 

I was not given a chance to meet her to set matters straight, let alone talking to her properly over the phone. Well, she's too busy with her work. Bravo.

I believed our relationship was intruded. Trying everyday ever since not to believe it. No, I don't like that gentleman trying out his luck on my lady. I don't know if it bore fruit or even if he has no intentions. It certainly reinforced the barrier that already had existed between me and her. The barrier that was distance and time-attention for her. It was not a long distant relationship. I drive to see her regularly if not very frequently. Judge it, 40km.

Certainly I felt betrayed or cheated on.

It made almost everybody going through this kind of dilemma looking like a fool as a result of desperation because nobody likes to accept the fact and get over it so quickly. I never gave up. Or should I have the instance I was told off?

Fair enough. She has more time and concentration for her work now or to whatever she intends to do more in the absence of me in her heart.

It's this hard for me to let go even by a bit by bit. As advised by my friends I should not feel tempted to constantly stand by the feeling of rekindling the feelings. Yeah..who gives up so easily. A sudden loss. A void so abrupt. It takes a man to take the beating and be courageous enough to stand up again and continue the journey. Guess it applies similarly to other aspects in this living. The time does not stop ticking.

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Am I willing to close the chapter and leave the book behind?

If she reads this... These are the dreaded feelings to you I last pen down. Only on this post.  

Of course I will still sayang and miss you.

May a new chapter opens. Come whatever may.  

Nothing lasts forever. haha

[Broken bridge picture - googled]

104. Reality

Personal

Nothing is real. No one is. Everyone is just pretentious. Even me myself. And the rest of the whole world. 

You have to hide certain feelings. For good and for bad. Some neutral. 

We don't feel or see the true motives anymore these days. Good or bad, we all have our very own agenda. Our own objectives. 

Unfortunately, I don't have much to post nowadays. No progress in music making. Just simple sound recording using the phone. As I age as I mature I seem to keep more words to myself. More thoughts come to play which come into conflict with to-be spoken words. They leaked out of the brain halfway only to be swallowed through the mouth and throat. Gulp.

More things to take care. More issues to solve. More agenda to accomplish. Less time to spend.

Only natural. Manageable by only those who are strong enough to stand on a pair of legs.

I will just do with what a pair of legs can do.

103. Up and Down the Road of L

Personal

Previous post was written on the 14th of April. Let's just say 10 months ago. Felt like it'd been ages since I log in here to write something. But then again, looking at the date and the number it seems like only 10 months ago. Not even a year ago yet.

But in these 10 months thousands of hair strands have dropped. I think hahah.

Many things have had taken place.

I was only doing an industrial training at MAS. I am employed already as an aircraft technician at AirAsia. Hi Tony.

Several other things have changed. Physically not so. Emotionally a lot.

Feelings come and go. But certain feelings stay. And if you work hard enough and put faith into them they become everlasting. Certain maturity comes into play.

{Digress a little...just like how you support a football club for years or forever aha}

You just never give up. What drives you not to give it up? Maturity, conscience and (at least) an eye for everlasting love in life.

This living is a life in which we're living in. Time is ticking. The time starts moving since we're born into this world on planet Earth. It never stops. We never stop, breathing and living. So we're living it. We're living this time.

It stops ticking the moment our life ends. That's when we stop living.

Whatever we do, they are in this time. Spending time. Filling up the living.


Couldn't find the original song in youtube. So I link to someone's cover on Bob Dylan - I Feel A Change Comin' On

Till then.