105. September Rain and Shine

Personal

It's been 4 years and about 5 months since I started this blog. woo

Just 4 years. Sounds long? Or fast. But one thing for sure, heck whole lotta things have happened; for the bad and for the good.

When good things take place the speed of life seems to be irregular. Happiness and excitement all make us feel good and seemingly like we're living the best out of our lives.

When bad things come; it felt like the train is slowing down. You gotta run for your life. From cabin to cabin searching for the missing item. In and out of the train as it is still slow looking for something to mend life. 

Moving on from something bad is tough. Sounds and looks easy. Supposed to be easy. It is oneself who makes it so hard to wake up from the knock-down. It's a matter of time, mind and mind-activity.

Time heals in a way. Memory lapses and new experiences to overwrite if only one is willing not to keep thinking back. Mind; it's all in the mind. No one can let go of bad experience so easily. It's a scar. Mind-activity; keep it active with other plans and events help one to move on and not just sit in one place recalling how deep the scar was.

Oh.. bad things. I mean failures and setbacks, from life, love, career and any other possible endeavour in the living. 

It's easy to plan to let go and forget about what had happened. But it's not easy to execute it. We are all so full of emotions. Buddha made it clear...we all screwed ourselves anyway. Anyway it's a journey of enlightenment altogether or along the way. 

Failures are bound here and there anywhere. Small or large the scale it depends on how one takes it. Failing a study subject might make someone cry but might not even move the other. Or the duration of disappointment; one might get over the failure within the following day but one might hold on to it for months until success comes or die. In short, it varies with people.

Broken. Crumbled. Can you build it back?

*

Personally, a love relationship with a certain someone just failed me. I didn't fail it. There are many factors on why it is hard for me to let go. Most obvious reason is being that it was my first love. And that might be the prime factor leading to more reasons of this heartache.

It's an awful and overnight devastation. It just happen so abruptly. One day I was talking with her the next day she left. I guess feelings come and go real quick. Like a needle jabs. Effect is long lasting.

I'd been left knocking on the door on my knees everyday and night without answer. Until judgement day.

Why did I do that? I love her so much. My feelings for her are overwhelming..anyone who breaks up would say this..it is just true when you lose something you will express it the most. It's not that we don't appreciate when we have the person in our life; we're so broken we begged for them not to leave. The same feeling.

Because I have done so much, at least just for her if not for us. I do not like to sound like I'm bragging but I have to admit that I have really put so much effort and poured much "blood, sweat and tears" along the way. There were hiccups no doubt of tiredness and other commitments. Given and taken.

Only to see her walk away. 

I was not given a chance to meet her to set matters straight, let alone talking to her properly over the phone. Well, she's too busy with her work. Bravo.

I believed our relationship was intruded. Trying everyday ever since not to believe it. No, I don't like that gentleman trying out his luck on my lady. I don't know if it bore fruit or even if he has no intentions. It certainly reinforced the barrier that already had existed between me and her. The barrier that was distance and time-attention for her. It was not a long distant relationship. I drive to see her regularly if not very frequently. Judge it, 40km.

Certainly I felt betrayed or cheated on.

It made almost everybody going through this kind of dilemma looking like a fool as a result of desperation because nobody likes to accept the fact and get over it so quickly. I never gave up. Or should I have the instance I was told off?

Fair enough. She has more time and concentration for her work now or to whatever she intends to do more in the absence of me in her heart.

It's this hard for me to let go even by a bit by bit. As advised by my friends I should not feel tempted to constantly stand by the feeling of rekindling the feelings. Yeah..who gives up so easily. A sudden loss. A void so abrupt. It takes a man to take the beating and be courageous enough to stand up again and continue the journey. Guess it applies similarly to other aspects in this living. The time does not stop ticking.

*

Am I willing to close the chapter and leave the book behind?

If she reads this... These are the dreaded feelings to you I last pen down. Only on this post.  

Of course I will still sayang and miss you.

May a new chapter opens. Come whatever may.  

Nothing lasts forever. haha

[Broken bridge picture - googled]

104. Reality

Personal

Nothing is real. No one is. Everyone is just pretentious. Even me myself. And the rest of the whole world. 

You have to hide certain feelings. For good and for bad. Some neutral. 

We don't feel or see the true motives anymore these days. Good or bad, we all have our very own agenda. Our own objectives. 

Unfortunately, I don't have much to post nowadays. No progress in music making. Just simple sound recording using the phone. As I age as I mature I seem to keep more words to myself. More thoughts come to play which come into conflict with to-be spoken words. They leaked out of the brain halfway only to be swallowed through the mouth and throat. Gulp.

More things to take care. More issues to solve. More agenda to accomplish. Less time to spend.

Only natural. Manageable by only those who are strong enough to stand on a pair of legs.

I will just do with what a pair of legs can do.

103. Up and Down the Road of L

Personal

Previous post was written on the 14th of April. Let's just say 10 months ago. Felt like it'd been ages since I log in here to write something. But then again, looking at the date and the number it seems like only 10 months ago. Not even a year ago yet.

But in these 10 months thousands of hair strands have dropped. I think hahah.

Many things have had taken place.

I was only doing an industrial training at MAS. I am employed already as an aircraft technician at AirAsia. Hi Tony.

Several other things have changed. Physically not so. Emotionally a lot.

Feelings come and go. But certain feelings stay. And if you work hard enough and put faith into them they become everlasting. Certain maturity comes into play.

{Digress a little...just like how you support a football club for years or forever aha}

You just never give up. What drives you not to give it up? Maturity, conscience and (at least) an eye for everlasting love in life.

This living is a life in which we're living in. Time is ticking. The time starts moving since we're born into this world on planet Earth. It never stops. We never stop, breathing and living. So we're living it. We're living this time.

It stops ticking the moment our life ends. That's when we stop living.

Whatever we do, they are in this time. Spending time. Filling up the living.


Couldn't find the original song in youtube. So I link to someone's cover on Bob Dylan - I Feel A Change Comin' On

Till then.

102. Football Spirit

Ideals/Personal

It's burning! It's your favourite team/club winning! It's a goal!

It's footballllllll. In the US, they call it soccerrrrrrr.

This post is an ideal concept conceived as perceived by me in view of the current style of supporting-your-"(favourite)"-football-team/club.

A fellow football sports fan/supporter once talked about something similar to what I intended to write on here. He talked about why certain people support or become fan of certain football clubs - one of the critical reason is seeing your favourite player playing in it. Fair enough, a lot of us football lovers have some kind of heroes in the game to look forward to in watching the games.

Here in this footballing post, supporter is approximately equivalent to fan. Fan is defined here as someone more loud and hardcore as compared to being a supporter who merely supports the sports and the games. I, myself is a football and an Arsenal supporter (slightly fan). I enjoy any football games but only reserved time mostly to watch my favourite club play. I love the footballing spirit. I genuinely find footballing is a great sports activity and a team-based game altogether.

Tell me what you know about footballing when you shout, "MANU ROCKS! CHELSHIT GO TO HELL!". Nah, don't tell me about histories or how the ball came into play.

And corruption spoils the game totally. Especially the spirit. People with money and power to manipulate games really put the game in the limelight of disgrace and disappointment. I believe most football players hate game fixing They may lost all the games they play in their life but buying your way up the podium is just not football. You may as well go to the casino and gamble or fix your way through to earn cold hard cash.

So do tell me about how the teams play strategies or how the player play the ball the next time you shout, "ARSENAL FOR THE WIN!". There must be a reason why they put up the banner, "Giggs has been tearing you apart since $%^&*". Sorry, fellow Arsenal fans I support football totally so any team which plays well I'd like to watch and savour.

Let me brief you on the types/styles of fans in my opinion generically. It's typically EPL teams or Barcelona.

(not in any order of atrocity)
1. Die-hard fans good version - These are the fans who support fully their favourite team since whatsoever age for whatsoever reason. They do not condemn other teams. They concentrate only in their favourite team.

2. Die-hard fans bad version - Ditto the first sentence of no. 1 description. They condemn the other teams because they only love their favourite team. They only support the other team when that team is playing to bring down an opponent team which is a major threat to their favourite team in the standing.

3. Bus-thirds - So-called fans who only expressed their support to show that they are supporting the correct team which is usually the team which wins a lot. Who does not really watch football. Non-sensical actually, omit this but situation exists.

4. Common bus-thirds - Fans who picked the best team which is usually the team which wins a lot - ok kudos for knowing the history and so you picked an all-time winner team. And watch not much of football. Reason slightly similar to no.3 which intention is to be "correct" in choosing a favourite team.

5. Footballer fans - This is rather a subcategory for no.1 and no.2. These fans they play football. They know football. They enjoy football. Their reason in choosing their favourite team depends on the no.1 or no.2 category they fall in.

6. Non-football fans - This accompanies no.5. They do not play football. They may or not know about football. But they enjoy football, because this falls under either no.1 or no.2 ~diehard.

7. Neutral creeps - They might still be analysing on which team to pick and make it their favourite. If not, then they are just enjoying the game. Good thing these people do not make a fuss when watching. Everything looks normal or cool if there is a goal.

8. Neutral creeps version 2 - They analysed and they picked the team which they think plays properly or skillfully or amusing. They join in the fun of supporting spirit. Other time, they remain nonchalant.

(this categorizing and condemning of fans are based on my observation opinionatedly - come on I don't have the right to say you don't have the right to support I just think your football spirit and mine are different)

I reserve no. 9 and no. 10 to be described shortly after this brief intermission. No.9 and no.10 have good football spirit but not necessarily the best because die-hard fans hold their spirit highest among all.haha. And no.9 and no.10 are description-modified versions of no.1 and no.2 die-hard categories. I mean they could be die-hard too but their reason are defined precisely.

9. Experience-based - One might have went to watch the to-be favourite team play before. Or met any of the players before. Or just that the TV somehow seemed to show the particular team play when it is switched on. This could be due to his/her die-hard fan father or brother. So this know-nothing person picks up from there. Or by playing video games. These are also basically results of luck.

10. Player/material-based - Handsome player. Handsome coach lol. Good samaritan player. Beautiful jerseys. Amazing advertisement. ok la super skillful player. Very subjective. Definitely not of pure football spirit but surely somehow or rather, develops into it.

Hopefully that's all. ~"bola sepak - raja sukan".


About my style of supporting: I'm a combination of no.9 and no. 10. A bit of this and that from them. This is how I come to supporting Arsenal FC as I can remember. On experience-based I agree with my brother claiming that somehow we just chose that team to play in a video game. Ok respect, Winning Eleven it's a good football video game. So from there, we learn the names of the players and associate with their football matches we watch occasionally on TV.

Let me recall, there are Pires, Kanu, Wiltord, Ljungberg, Bergkamp, Seaman, Henry...a handful of great players which I can recall. Notice that these players I just mentioned are not in the club anymore.

Henry is great. And then before World Cup 2002 I heard that Zidane is great. So I became a fan of Les Bleus, the France team. This is no.10 style of football spirit.

These players are not performing anymore. At least not for Arsenal or France anymore but I still continue to support them. This has become a result of development of footballing spirit. A reasoned and seasoned one. I really respect people who tell me about how good Manchester United players play their spirit and their winning legacy and they are downright the most rightful fans of Manchester United. And because I was and still is partially a Red Devil supporter. How these people came about to support the Busby Boys are not generally important anymore. It's the spirit.


To be honest, I'm never die-hard. I just might sound like one because supporting becomes interesting and exciting during get-togethers for football watching.

ok there had been countless mentions of the word "football spirit". That is it.

Do you know who this player is? He is Jared Borgetti who plays for Mexico.

[photos taken from googling]